NEW BLOG!

2006-04-02T14:00:00.000+08:00

ADIEU.
SOMEWHERE, MAYBE.

2005-10-05T20:35:00.000+08:00

HELLO
Still alive and farting.
Been healthy, and staying up late.
Been very happy, or so I think.
JC OR POLY?!!

Happy Sweet Sixteen Monkey! :D

I'm out.

P.S. This is how the alphabets will look like if Q and R were eliminated.

2005-09-22T16:17:00.000+08:00

Too Much To Handle

HEY POOS :D
Finally back from All. That. Work.
But not really All. 'O's are coming in like a month's time & call me crazy but I simply love studying. Probably because of the effects of the Prelims on me =One thing's for sure, CAN'T WAIT FOR 'O'S TO BE OVER!

Anyway, POA Paper II and FNN today. I'll fail POA without a doubt :) FNN was still alright, so I guess I won't do badly this time. Oh well, just pray that I'll do much better than the Mids. Well, I'm going to be back here for just this one time, and till then it's going to be on hiatus (I guess). Oh gosh, I hate the sinusitis. It's driving me nuts.

& I want a new template & a new face & a new wardrobe & new whatever things.

Ahh! & yes, I miss my Sharlene Pig! :D
Take care okay, & see you in school (hopefully). Love you lots!

& last of all,
Sorry Cousin Sean. Was too caught up in late night muggings for Prelims and I forgot to wish you a happy birthday :D
Will get you a belated present (if you still want it). My wallet, fortunately is not quite thin yet. Happy 18, can go clubbing without fake ID.

Okay, Thanks, Bye.
(hahaha)

2005-09-16T14:02:00.000+08:00

Whoopidoo Reggaedo!

I got this:

HURHUR. Minus the pretty box and special features =\ I like it nonetheless!
Gosh, back to Mug Camp. Prelims in 3 days time.

2005-09-14T17:36:00.000+08:00

Trace Your Silhoutte In The Candlelight

If one day you're going to study about emotional spectrum, you should have me as the experimental specimen. My emotions can stretch from the highest level of happiness to the lowest level of hell like sadness. I'm queer, like that.

My room had been outstandingly messy for the past one week with the stacks of books, cushed up papers, pieces of worksheets and rough notes and blank foolscap papers lying around the table and under my bed. Dang, I can't get them out because the gap between the bed and the floor's like 1CM. Okay, hm. Anyway, I've been doing tedious revisions and note-makings and I'm so pooped =\ Yawn. Excuse me.

Ugh, I feel like a giant blob of blah.

-

I CAN'T WAIT FOR PRASETHA TO COME BACK!
Note: 25th Nov :D

-

This world's a wonderful place if you think it is,
and you let it be.
Give everyone a chance to discover how wonderful
things could be.
When you think the wonderful ways.
It's fine for me, but for how long, I don't know.

2005-09-10T12:39:00.000+08:00

Hide & Seek

Attempts to be locked up in a room had failed. But fortunately, I was able to get some studying done. Went out with Aslinda yesterday to town again, back at same old Starbucks. It was a record! We studied for like 4 hours straight without chatting :D Except for random lookarounds at people. And is it a fashion to wear tiaras on your head nowadays? Hur. Okay anyway, we left there at around 4 to window-shop. Well, then I decided to text Sharlene and ask if she was in town with her darling, and yes! She was, so we decided to go off to Bugis together to look for my Rooster bag, which was a failure. Oh well, guess I should just wait for a new bag to be out. I think I should call Prasetha today! :D Okay, gotta scooot!

-

Where are we? What the hell is going on? The dust has only just began to fall. Crop circles in the carpet. Sinking, feeling. Spin me around again, and rub my eyes. This can't be happening. When busy streets amess with people, would stop to hold their heads heavy. Hide and seek. Trains and sewing machines. All those years, they were here first. Oily marks appear on walls. Where pleasure moments hung before the takeover. The sweeping insensitivity of this still life. Hide and seek. Trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here). Blood and tears, they were here first. Hm, what'd you say? Hm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did. Hm, what'd you say? Hm, that's it all for the best? Of course, it is. Hm, what'd you say? Hm, that it's just what we need? You decided this. Hm, what'd you sau? Hm, what did she say? Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth. Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs. Speak no feeling. No, I don't believe you. You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit. Hide and seek. You don't care a bit, no, you don't.

-

2005-09-07T19:38:00.000+08:00

Chino-Swedish Things

I wonder how many people have furnished their homes completely with IKEA. The portion of premises you'll spend 4 hours in, is a showroom of sorts. A free-for-all showroom. I love browsing through the things in IKEA. It's cheap and fun! Or fun because it's cheap. You want to sit on everything, open every drawers and cupboards they have, and imagine yourself living in the themed ensembles set up everywhere. Everything was so frilly yet rustic. And there is an unusual sense of camaraderie present among the shoppers. I used to love stealing those pencils but felt stupid now, thinking back. The place had an eatery, and I inhaled two Swedish sausage breads. It was so affordable, but the downside is that the material and finish are rather shithouse. This scale of mass production and price cutting enables accessibility, but not quality.
It sucks totally when the instruction sheets given are in Swedish or some alien language. My sister and I came home and we assembled it all the wrong way.

-

Hey! I'm feeling super restless today after I came home from school. Made lunch and I just felt like a zombie after that. I was tired but I didn't feel like sleeping so I decided to do some light revisions but my brain isn't working. I hate it when my body feels like that. And sad thing is, I'm still awake till now. Sitting in front of my study desk with my eyes wide-opened, stoning in front of my cork board. It's quite scary if you were to imagine me like that. Hur :D
Anyway, it's the last day of the Star Programme tmr. And then I'll have to drag my feet home for tuition after that =
I. Hate. My. Life.
(For now.)

Anyway, like I said, I'm going to mug like shit on Friday night or I'll feel guilty for not doing anything on Saturday because that is My Day OFF! Thank you very much. Okay, so I'm going off now, to damage my brain.

-

And there was a time my heart was aching. Yes, there was the day I swore it was breaking under a lucky star. Our love was born brand new. So don't cry, Angel, I will stay the whole night through. Forevermore, I'll be loving you.

2005-09-06T22:02:00.000+08:00

Walking With The Ghost

Alone at home at this hour isn't a nice feeling.

-

I think I like Tegan&Sara right now. They're Canadians, I think. Sisters, and are lesbians. Their songs fall into punk rock category. Definitely more eye-candy and less annoying than Simple Plan. I'm not sure if their album's available here, but if they are, give it a try :D

Anyway, it's quite a good day today. Went to town (no, not shopping) with Aslinda to do some studying. Was planning to look for a place at Orchard Library but I figured it would be packed. So we studied at Starbucks in the end, I make that my study hangout, for now. That is, unless I have the coffee craves :D Heh. Well, in all, was quite motivating that I did my studying- Chemistry & Math. Plus, eye-candies ;)

Drats, two more days of school before our so-called '3-day break'. It's not even going to be a break, come to think of it. I'll still be waking up early in the morning to the call of my neighbor's dogs and then start to study. Or rather, mug. Gah, I'm still confused as to whether I should go to a JC or a Poly or anything. I think I'll just leave it to how well I'll do next year, then I'll decide =My Dad wants to send me to Paris. You know what, I think I'd better off be sniffing Marijuana at some dark alleys or joining in gang fights everyday. Like, that's what Uncle Eguar told me. Or in other words, my Dad's Frenchies said so. I think I should just think of what I'm going to do next.

Hm, I just can't imagine it's already September. Just imagine, for the time it'll take you to read this entry here would be the whole life span of the earth in one year. And the minute today is some tiny millisecond just before the new year starts. How time will really fly. And then Prasetha would be back! :D Wheeeeee!

I love this world. It's so good. You're just going along, doing your own little thing, and then BAM! It comes up and spins you around and throws flower petals in the air and dances in the rain with you. At least that was how I felt when I was allowed to fly to Australia by myself. I was like expecting some stranger to sit beside me for the next 5 hours of the journey and then I'd be able to like create new contacts with that passing nobody. Everything was so exciting that day, until this middle-aged, fat Aussie guy sat beside me and started his journey snoring away. So, I was like, okay, I guess not.

I love the feeling of being on a foreign piece of land by yourself, knowing nowhere, not even a map in your possession. The bad thing was, not really knowing what the Customs Officer was saying because of his Cockney English. And the part where you screwed up the Declaration Form on the airplane because the boxes were all over the place.

Okay, gotta scoot!

-

Sinne- :D

2005-09-04T17:15:00.000+08:00

Obsessions

I'm showing signs of mental imbalances =
-

Love makes you smile when you're tired :D

2005-09-03T09:27:00.000+08:00

Chocolates & Alarm Clocks

Jordan- Your name's been there for like million years ago. So do you want me to delete
you from my list or what?
Sharlene- EW! I will never forget how that uncle looked like in that ridiculous-looking dress! = And about the blog, Sinne didn't help me. I did it by myself ;D Heee.
Mr. Goh- Thanks! :D

-

Last month flew by pretty quick. I can't believe it's September already! I guess time really flies when you're having fun. Hey wait, I'm not saying I've been playing all these while, mind you. I've been dilligently mugging like shit. Oh well, anyway, I'm feeling like crap right now. For some reason, I don't know why I feel like that for nothing. My body clock is like rubbish.

My small reputation is being ruined by some menopaused female dog. Shan't waste my time to elaborate about this female.

About yesterday after school, went out with Sharlene, in search of my new Rooster bag. Was playing hide-&-seek with me, I guess, so didn't buy anything. Used my $40 Tangs voucher on a single item- Stile product. Cause I figured things at Tangs would cost like more than $40, so $40 would be enough for only a single item. And not to forget, we saw another homo at Orchard. Whereas this time, it's an old Ah Pek (faces whom you'll see at the usual kopitiam, with a cup of coffee on the table, shaking his leg with a cigarette in his mouth kind of thing), in a white halter dress. What's more gross is that he also wore a thong over his squarish butt. Sharlene was like laughing the crap out of her. Hurhur, it was funny anyway.

Tuition later on, =What more do I want. Life would be all mundane and crap till Os are over. I'm not overjoyed cause once school starts, life would be hell with flooded Mock Papers and intensive revisions. It's going to be one hell of a year- Running around chasing teachers, papers, theses, exams. And it's not just going to be me, people have been dropping like flies. It's bad, really bad. God, Save Me!

But I know my God will watch over me :D Woot! And I haven't touched my practice papers. Now I am going to die. You see, in my life, if you get something good, the bad things come in tenfold. I almost blacked out two days ago. But the back of my eyes went white, not black. So do you call that a white out? Man, it's finals. Crap! Crap! I wanna die now. Ooooh, I'm seeing white again.

2005-09-01T22:51:00.000+08:00

Feeling Like A Nut

As you all can see, a new template. Get use to it :D
Leave your comments behind, thanks :)

-

Sniff Sniff.
I'm having a bit of a cold, not feeling that good. Been trying to douse myself as many water as possible to 'flush out the toxins' that's responsible for making me sick. Don't know if I should celebrate this or not =\ Oh well, hope I get better soon, can't afford getting sick at such time. Sniffs aside, i'm going to school tmr to do some self-study with dear Jadey Ho. OC is like starting in a few seconds and I've not packed my bag as yet. Hm, loads of stuff to bring to school, as in studying materials. Yeap, and then I'm gonna meet Sharlene after school to town. Need a new bag as the ants are irritating the heck out of me and the art of splurging is going to take place as well. HUR. On second thoughts, maybe not, going to save more! Then the whole splurging process will be shiok :D Okey Dokey, that's it for now. Goodnight!

2005-08-30T21:06:00.000+08:00

That's How The Chocolate Cookie Crumbles

If I could open my arms, and span the length of the isle of Manhattan, I'd bring it to where you are. Making a lake of the East River and Hudson. And if I could open my mouth, wide enough for a marching band to march out of, they would make your name sing. And bend through alleys and bounce off other buildings. I wish we could open our eyes, to see in all directions at the same time. Oh, what a beautiful view. If you were never aware of what was around you, and it is true what you said, that I live like a hermit in my own head. But when the sun shines again, I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in. Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole. Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound. But while you debate half empty or half full, it slowly rises, your love is gonna drown. Your love is gonna drown.

-

Today was okay, I guess. Nothing much happened, other than a tiff with Mrs. Valerie Koh (I know, of all the people in this world). But yeah, over something small, in which she made a huge fuss about it. We went apologizing to her because we assumed she would be that kind of person who'd still be grudging against us, like until we die or something. In the end, instead of having a warm smile and saying, 'okay, apology accepted but you kids still have to serve detention', she just walked off. WALKED OFF. I mean, yes, we deserve to be scolded (according to her), but she don't really have to just Walk. Off. Right? Woman with menopause, whatever. Totally give up on her lessons. Shit, I think I'm becoming such a pig.

Oh yes, I'm not hypnotized by Miss. Sheena's words Piggy 4! You're so evil. I hate you.

Anyway, on second thoughts, I've considered to go JC. Which means, I have to work doubly hard now. The distinctions are scaring me.

Sigh, okay look on the bright side.
Cause I'm gonna go pig with No.2 on Thurs! :D

Love <3

2005-08-28T17:04:00.000+08:00

Oh Heart, Why Must You Be So Fragile

I want a new layout, but I'm just too lazy to make one. But expect one coming anyway. I'm going to support piracy just this once, and tell Mr. Daddy to get that PhotoShop CD in KL. Urgh, anyway, my foot is seriously having its problems. Sometimes it gets from bad to worse. Now, it's moderately bad. Especially the right foot which feels like it's being pierced through by a needle right at the middle whenever I walked, or tiptoed. Please tell me nothing's wrong.

-

I need to go to church already. Need Pastor Prince's CD.

-

Sudden urge to paint, draw, sketch, whatever you want to call it. I went to the bookstore and got myself a sketchbook and a sketch pen. I appointed that as my if-you're-too-lazy-to-do-anything-just-do-me book. I hope tomorrow never comes because we're getting back our Prelim Science Practical results. And i'm 100% sure I would definitely fail the paper. URGH, I just wanna tell Mr. Peterson to save his words tomorrow. Anyway, I think I should nap now and rest myself happy. God bless you guys.

2005-08-23T18:06:00.000+08:00

I Hate The Sandman

About Me:
I think I participate in retail therapy quite excessively. It has become an inevitable part of my life since I hit fifteen. I am quiet, but I talk too much, somehow. And if I don't respond, I am probably ignoring you. I like big sunflowers and wildflower bouquets. And 90% of the time, I am probably seen laughing (but you'll never catch me in the act). I enjoy walking on hard surfaces in heels (sometimes), email conversations with certain males, peacoats, and any article of free people clothing. And last of all, I am often highly amused but never highly amusing.

-

Hey! I just came back from school not too long ago. Stayed in school for awhile to watch Aslinda & Gang do their rehearsal in the hall for their Teachers' Day Dance. Gowri was so cute when she danced! Hurhur. Anyway, I feel guilty for not studying anything till now! There's an F&N test tmr =X Forget it!
Moving on, here's to Piggy 2:
Don't worry about anything that's going to happen alright? God's with you and the Pigs are with you as well :D So don't let your sight organs tear. Eat chocolates, trust me, it works. You won't get fat either. But even if you do tear, just pour everything out cause you'll still feel much much better, rather than bottling it all up. You'll feel more bloated with all the unwanted salts in your body (this is not science, it's Alicia's Analogy). Yup, so don't WORRY WORRY WORRY! :) And smile my dear one! Many hugs. Love you, see you tmr.

Hoho, yes, I admit it. I'm as bad as a procrastinator as everybody else. With this deadline looming ahead of my very eyes, I sit back, look at it nonchalantly and continue 'ignoring' it until the 11th hour. Or should I say, 12th hour? For all my hoo-hahs about 'discipline' and 'focus', I can't even follow my own advice.
This is bad =
Yes, I know it's like few-more-days-to-the-prelims-which-will-somehow-determine-my-future.

Just 3 words, I'm. So. Dead. Okay, maybe 4. Whatever! I'm becoming retarded!

Urgh! What's bogging me down? Where have all my writing powers gone to?! Now, I can't wait forever till the inspiration comes to me.

Must. Focus. And. Write.
Must. Concentrate. And. Study.
Must. Open. My. Eyes. And. Read.
Must. Stop. Procrastinating.
Definitely. Must. Stop. Doing. Senseless. Time-wasting. Things. Like. Blogging.

Time out.

2005-08-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

Life: Interruptions & Complications

Things that have made me happy so far today:
1. Having water to guzzle down my dry, dry throat.
2. Pure rainy days.
3. Phone with my chicky (Prasetha).
4. Life, in general.

I've got secrets and everyone to tell.

-

Life's been a merry-go-round.

Hey! It's sort of late now, I know. And my eyes are closing, but I can't help but blog at this time. Lots of things have been going round and round in my head, and I don't know what to do. Practically just what I'm going to do after the 'O's. Was thinking if I should get a portfolio done myself, though I don't take Art. Seriously regretted taking F&N, or I'll be all prepared with a folio already. Hm, anyway, was going through the many courses related to Arts and Design courses, planning to enter LaSalle now, I don't think the polys have that much of Arts courses and I don't wish to study more in JC although it seems fun and you'll look pretty in that SAJC uniform. Hurhur. Oh well, was on the phone with my girl just now, her life seems pretty interesting. Thinking of becoming a dance teacher, to becoming a Nutritionist- big change. And I wanna go to Curtin Uni, or Murdoch. I need to work extra extra hard, probably earn myself to Aust :D And then it'll be so much easier to meet Jaclyn and Prasetha! Wheeee. Guess I'm just thinking too much, haha. But right now, all I need to do is to concentrate on the upcoming Prelims and the Big Os, yes? Can't wait for all of these to be over, MUN!

SHARLENE:
Hello Sunshine! :) Thanks for the sweet post in your blog. Thank you for being such a great great friend all these years, yes? I must say, sometimes it's no fun tolerating your SHIT. And all the rumours about you, and all made me drift away from you. But I'm glad it's all over (hopefully), and we've patched the cracks back together and we're all one happy family again :D It's seriously a miracle that Piggy 3 is in the big book now! I've loads of SHIT to rant in there! Hurhur. Anyways, loveyoulots okay? Take care and see you in school! -HUG <3

2005-08-19T16:45:00.000+08:00

Where Were You While We Were Getting High?

Take a deep breath. Hold it in. Now, try to breathe out as hard as you can but don't let any of it out. It's uncomfortable isn't it? Now, try to remember the saddest day in your life. The giref you felt in those moments, the tears you couldn't hold back, the way you disregarded your own life so easily. That's the closest I can describe what I'm feeling right now.
It hurts too much. And I don't know why =\

Upcoming Events:
1. Science Prelim Practicals
2. Mug Camp
3. Prelims

Hello people! After 10 years, I still don't know where I am standing. Anyway, today was fun because there's POA. Not like I love the subject, but because Freda, my Hokkien partner is sitting beside me! No doubt, we had lots of fun during POA (Haha!) And I'm starting to concentrate on the subject and loving it more and more, all thanks to Freda the Hokkien Char Bor Kia! Hahahaha. Love her to death, that crazy woman.
Overall, today is full of funny things. Hur, doesn't sound right but anyway, something decent will be posted here whenever I'm free. Toodles.

I will wait for you. Growing love but like water, time will always slip through. I will wait for you. Is it in a plan? Written in your hand? Believe or understand, something other than.. Fear is blinding lights. Squeeze my eyes so tight. Could you make a flower grow? Would you let me know? I will wait for you. Growing love but like water, time will always slip through. I will wait for you, but please, come soon.

2005-08-14T15:56:00.000+08:00

Hey, Go Deep

Ahhh! I so miss Miss. Prasetha =I think I should do my alter ego a favour and give her a surprise call some time this week. -Sniff
English oral is like 12 hours from now, and I just pray that I'll pass this round cleanly. Well, on one note, I've also decided not to retake the Chinese paper in Nov, which means less burden. But also I gotta work hard for the rest of the subjects to get my distinctions! :D I think my eyes are going blind, I've been coming online for the past few days and I seriously have to cut down the time spent here. Randomly, I want the whole of The OC Season 2 package! :D Hurhur.
Last rant of the day, I NEED TIME. LOTS OF TIME!! -Pulls hair

2005-08-12T21:48:00.000+08:00

ANT Is My Valentine

We're still watching your rainbow
through the shower.
And we still see you in every sunflower.
We're still watching,
I make days from the hours.
And I still see you in every sunflower.
Every screaming sunflower.
And how they scream of you.
-

I think I speak for a lot of people in my age group when I say: I WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK! The past few days have been really hectic that I can't believe I'm still alive after all that I've been through. I've been pulling off all-nighters, sleeping in school, staying overtime till midnight but despite all my efforts, I haven't been able to eliminate even half of my workload. If this keeps up, I'll never get anything done. I have to admit that this situation could've totally been avoided had I worked on things earlier and on time. I think a lot of people are in the same situation as I because of the same reason. Don't we all love procrastinating? :D
Hm. Even though work barely gives you enough time for fun and games, it still manages to be enjoyable from time to time. There's no feeling like finally solving something you've been working on forever; I think if anyonea achieves something big like world peace or having to put an end to world poverty, they'd definitely feel as accomplished as I do, except the Nobel prize :D
For what I think, sleeping is the best thing every created by Mankind. Sleeping is much more rewarding when you're dead tired. It's so much different from sleeping just for the sake of waking up early the next day. But rather, you feel your whole body relaxing once you hit the sheets. But if you suffer from insomnia, try working really hard for one day and see if you're unable to sleep. But for all its worth, I'd rather idle the hours away than work my ass of at night. It gets too stressful and seriously depressing that it makes me too irritable most of the times. I've been avoiding much contact with people for fear that I might just stab someone out of the blue. And also partly because of this effing ulcer that has been putting up on my gum for the past 3 days and the ulcer paste isn't helping at all. Oh well!
Anyway, talking about what happened today. Nothing much, except for the release of the Chinese 'O' level results. Got what I expected, a B3. I don't think I will want to retake considering all the trouble to memorize like 2000+ effing chinese words for the sake of the 5 words which will be tested in the paper. That's definitely a waste of time so forget it :)
Okay, so I have to go now for some serious mugging and I say, I'd be back 10 years later. See you.

2005-08-09T10:22:00.000+08:00

COM.ELGOOG Is Cool

Go to google.com and type: PARIS HILTON ISN'T A WHORE.
I am very easily amused, therefore this was hilarious.
-

My depression have always been short-lived, thankfully. Recently, I decided to put forth some effort in finding the good and positive in life. I didn't have to look too hard or long at all. While my bus was on the highway, I noticed a mysterious cloud which glistened and then vanished right before my eyes. I'm not sure what that little cloud was, but I think it was a school of bubbles which lightly floated and bounced past my window. And that made me smile. The thought of a little kid poking his head out the window of mommy's car and blowing bubbles into the joyless congestion known as traffic made my heart almost burst with delight. I have so much more I wish to say but I can't keep up on. Hoho, anyway! I'll be going down to Ikea to get something, probably. And then maybe spend my $40 Tangs voucher at Town :D I'm gonna seriously get down to study later. Like what Mei Ling told me, 12 more weeks to 'O's. LISTEN YOU 16 YEAR-OLD BUMMERS, 12 MORE WEEKS, YA HEAR ME?! Okay, so I think I should really force myself to die in the books. Less surfing and more beaching on my studying desk under the desk light with my booktanning oil. Not very funny =-

I wish I wrote this, somehow.

Now this applies both equally to you and I.
The only thing we share is the same sky.
These empty metaphors,
They're all in vain.
Like can't you see the grass is greener where it rains?

2005-08-05T21:11:00.000+08:00

I Could Leave Alone

It's Friday!
It's quite refreshing to drown myself into Blink 182 again after a long long time. I was suppose to force myself to go to sleep (not cause i'm a pig) but because I will need the energy for a long day tmr. The sister is leaving for Brunei early early in the morning tmr, and being the bestest sister in the whole wide world, i'm going to accompany her to the airport. So then, I can slack there with my Mommy at Macs or something :D
There are so many things i'll have to occupy myself with this weekend. Nothing, absolutely nothing but homework! Yay, how exciting. Hm, and orals are coming, and the Chinese results are arriving, and the Prelims are approaching. My life, is so thrilling. And then soon, depression mode sets in. Like the stick figures which stands in front of the wall and starts hitting its head against the hard wall. Be back later.

-

Okay, so i'm back. And I haven't slept yet. I was clearing my boxes of junk which mainly includes old notebooks, pieces of scraps with sad old words, and another thick file of cut-outs from the magazines and scrap books, and MORE scrap books. I couldn't believe the amount of junk I had in my cupboard. GOSH, unbelievable. Hur! I actuall ignored these pieces of wood all these years. Anyway, spent like 2 hours reading the stuffs I wrote eons ago. Realized I was contradicting my own words, like from the past to the present. I'm a sinner. Period.

Going on. I realized that maybe depression isn't just anger that is turned inwards. Maybe it's also that deep down there's something that's missing. Like an empty space that hurts so much more than ever thought possible. Probably something that we want so desperately that it tears us all apart and keeps us from ever feeling at ease. It's constantly in the background and I guess i've learned to live with it. I don't think anyone could possibly understand me the way I wish they would. As much as I'd love to have someone to tell myself that they know and they feel it deeply what i'm thinking about. But I still find it hard to believe that anyone would. Me, instead of just letting things happen, I had to predict every movement and watch it closely, expecting the worst. By doing that, I destroyed something that was so good I just couldn't bring myself to believe it. It just wouldn't be right, so i'll carry the burden. I just can't comprehend feeling good.
Wrong decisions makes me think what did I ever do to deserve happiness. Maybe I am just not entitled to it yet so it doesn't belong to me. It belongs to all those other people who do what they're supposed to. I didn't earn it. They did, they know it and therefore don't have to question the way that I do. I didn't pass the test, I didn't even show up. It's too late to go back now. I became everyone else's problem. It's always so much better in fantasies that there's no way to prevent the disappointment. Sometimes even in dreams, the one place you thought you were safe was not as safe as it seems. It's funny how you can't lie to yourself in your sleep. The more you try to block those thoughts, the more they remember and come back to the surface. It was just a phase, let it go. I almost made it among the ranks of the normals and I can't let myself get sucked back in to these ridiculous thoughts.
EDIT : ain't depressed alright, just daily thoughts :D

I think I can sleep now.

-
I never thought I'd die alone. I laughed the loudest, who'd have known. I traced the cord back to the wall. No wonder it was never plugged in at all. I took my time, I hurried up, the choice was mine, I didn't think enough. I'm too depressed, to go on. You'll be sorry when I'm gone.

2005-08-03T21:24:00.000+08:00

Clouds Up

There has got to be some very very precise word to describe the particular surreal feeling of your own mind after it has spent too long reading words in the air, or should I say, stone on your desk chair. Maybe I can publish my first paper in a scientific journal on this phenomenon. And then if the news gets big, I'll write a book. And then you must buy it.

-

Nothing can describe the way I'm feeling now. I just got back from dinner with the family at Holland and I feel guilty for some sort. Probably because the dates which are running through my head so oftenly is making me schizophrenic. I get that sense of idiotness inside of me all the freaking time. This whole week was seriously a downer. I got sick again, fortunately not too bad, and second of all, seriously seriously drained. In need of the comforts of the bed which I've longed to be in. Speaking of which, I was suppose to be in bed like half an hour ago. I can't believe I ever ended up here doing this. Life unfurls bizarrely.
My mood's been bad recently, for the first time, I had an expository conversation with my dad. I think i'll do well for my orals. But I've already apologized, I think i'll just go to sleep =Bad moods call for bad times. I'm deprived of OC shows, just thinking of how I fell asleep on the couch that Thursday night halfway through my cherished TV show makes me mad.
Sigh. There are a lot of things I want to talk about right now, but don't know how to. And a lot of things I don't want to talk about right now, but probably eventually will, when I have enough time to.

I wanna go hit the sheets now :D
Night.

2005-08-01T20:04:00.000+08:00

I Never Feel The Chill Cause Everybody's Holding

Hello! :D
Today was a very funny day because Freda & Ruth are very funny. Though POA lessons today was a total torture, I managed to overcome the torturous 2 hours of accounting concepts and the screechy and naggy Ms.Wong's voice with the lamest game ever created on this planet. It all started from this piece of paper..
OKAY. This year's birthday celebration was the best ever! Because everybody was so nice and funny. I think the way I'm trying to explain my feeling now is very funny as well. Okay, anyway, this funny day is going to be gone once the clock strikes 12 and then i'll be sad all over again. Hm, I wanna go to the airport to study one of these days! I don't care if the guards chase us out cause my dad is one of their frequent Air rider. Hoho, and speaking of my dad, he's back tonight from China. Wonder what stuffs he brought back this time, cause the last time he brought back a ridiculous weight of some white stone with the leftover Ruby and Sapphire stones on it. Well well, the English workshop was alright I guess, learnt a few pointers but I was so worn out the whole day. Forced myself to open my hearing organs. Anyway, after the workshop today, me and Ruth went to the hall to check out the rehearsal for National Day, I guess? Songs played were great, except for the vocals. Hurhur, funny. Then I left early cause I forgot Shuyan's waiting for me at TP with her gift :D Loved it alot, thanks Shuyan! And not to forget, a surprise text from Valery! Can't believe she actually remembered this stranger here. We should hang out some time later, probably after 'O's :D

Okay, gotta do the usuals of what boredom may stand for.
LALALALALA!
FINALLY SIXTEEN :)

2005-07-31T21:37:00.000+08:00

Sweet Sixteen Sunday

Thanks Ritzuan for the lovely flowers and an empty CD, which I felt like a fool when I was trying to play it in my CD player.
Thanks Sharlene/Jade/Jeremy for the Virgin/Slut Bubble Bath thingamajic, which smelt really good! Though Jeremy weren't there, I wished he would actually.
Thanks Gowri for the lovely ForeverFriends card and the HappyHouse pen holder.
Thanks Ruth for the lovely pair of pink ear studs and heart-shaped bracelets from Perlini's.
Thanks Aslinda/Lavina/Hazimah for the Topshop buggy thongs (REALLY appreciate it).
Thanks Mommy for my lovely clothes from Topshop.
Thanks Cousins for all the wonderful wonderful presents!

Hurhur! :D
And thanks you people who splatted the cream on my face. Really moisturizing (:
Can't wait to go to school to see you guys tmr! Cheers!

2005-07-29T20:18:00.000+08:00

Whoring Time

I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the lord
I'm just a fool
And in love with somebody don't make them love you

It's a weary friday today and my eyelids seem to droop all the time, it's only Aslinda that've been keeping me up on my ass. PE today was quite okay, sweat a little here and there. Yang Ki was too good, can't overpower her. Hurhur, that's quite sad. Oh well, anyway, was just glad that F&N courseworks and practicals are over! :D Just pray hard that it'll be graded well cause lots of time had been spent typing all the crazy amount of words.
Turning 16 in like, 2 days. Don't know why I just can't get that elated feeling. Forget it, sometimes I just wish I could forget my own birthday, I don't know :) Okay, I'm feeling tired now, gonna hit the sheets! Bye world.

2005-07-25T22:12:00.000+08:00

Old Dirty Crazy Man In The Jeepney Ride

Nine forty. I'm popping the addictive Skittles candies into my mouth. I haven't tasted chocolate for days, but am really counting it'll be good since I love chocolates, no doubt. I don't understand why my mom loves keeping M&Ms in the refrigerator because I hate it when I place them in a bowl and eat it at room temperature and their shell colors melt and they look more like poop than candy covered chocolates. Which reminds me, all this chocolate makes me want to poop.

Nine-forty-nine. Aaah, success.

Nine-fifty-two. The refrigerator's left with San Francisco Hershey Chocolates & Cookies bars and all sorts of food that make America obese. (Okay, not that exaggerating.)

Ten-O-six. I have the urge to jump off the fifteenth floor of our house everytime I open my bedroom window and look out but I realize the distance between our window and the pavement outside wouldn't guarantee a quick and painless death because with the fact that I'm like a stick, the wind might blow me towards the direction of the swimming pool and I might just drown. Plus, I abhor the feeling of falling :D

Ten fourteen. I haven't been coming back home right after school for lunch because pizzas are too tempting, and they make me sick already.

Ten seventeen. I can't eat outside food so frequently now because I'm always broke and signs of improving my monetary condition are nil. Perhaps I enjoy the feeling of my stomach ingesting itself.

Ten nineteen. Heartache and stomachache is not good a combination.

Ten twenty.

Ten-twenty-one.

Ten twenty-two.

2005-07-24T12:14:00.000+08:00

We Spent Some Time Together Crying

I can already feel how long tomorrow is going to be. Waking up before 9am is not my ideal summer day especially when I know the night is going to be just as long. Okay, well, was suppose to be out with a friend today for the last day sales. But she didn't return me my call so I shall presume that she had forgotten all about it. So I'm just gonna be out with the parents today to Orchard after fetching my dad from the airport. The busy man.

Anyway, did some Science questions these past 2 days. So I won't feel guilty for not catching up. Birthday's coming up and I don't feel happy mainly because being 16 in Singapore isn't sweet.
Randomly, the dance last Friday at China by Exodus Crew was awesome :D Two thumbs up!
Friday night was slapstick. Hanging out with Afro is hysterical man. Got lost in Clark Quay, and walked past the same old places 3 freaking times, my poor legs were aching like shit. Nevertheless, Mr. Teh Tarik & Mee Goreng stall at Far East Square was yummy! Go try :D
And then it was time to go home, we walked past the same drinking pubs so many times, the caucasians and working people think we were homeless. Pray we were 21 or we'll end up getting drunk at Cheeky Monkey's! Hoho. And so, we patiently walked to Clark Quay MRT and waited for Afro's dad and hopped onto the train and I went home by myself. Not to mention again, my evil family members- mainly the sisters refused to pick up the phone when I called home and I had to do a 5.2km walk. Thank you dear sisters, I so love you to death.

I think ludicrous events are happy to remember :)

SEANSEOW: Are my entries so difficult to read? Haha.

We spent some time together crying
Spent some time just trying
to let each other go
I held your hand so very tightly
And told you what I
would be dreaming of
There's nothing like you and I
So why do I even try?
There's nothing like you and I

2005-07-19T15:10:00.000+08:00

Part VII: I Do Not Love You

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose,
or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda

Resist the urge to expire from shock. Yes, I do appreciate poems like these. Hurhur, I know, I see a pig flying across the sky from my window just 2 seconds ago. Anyway, the weather today was super nice for sleeping! But I was able to hold those heavy eyelids up by irritating Ruth by my 'NOTHING!' phrase. Hurhur.
I hate my hair! Feeling iffy about it. It was suppose to be like a short trim, not that freaking short! Oh well, I can't possibly use a bottle of glue and fix back the hair that's been cut away, so no point whining about it :)
Was thinking about what I would be doing, this time, next year. I was pondering over when I finally start getting some direction in life, I somehow find myself more loss than ever. I suppose that's exactly why I'm lost- because I'm not as indifferent to life as I was before. It's like painting for years and stepping back to find out what you've only been using one colour all this time. Did that analogy even made sense? Oh well.

2005-07-16T19:51:00.000+08:00

NKF Troubles

Trust me on this, it'll make you laugh like shit in front of the computer. However, do note the vulgar Singaporean slang contents.

Blog #1
Blog #2

Have a great time laughing :D

--

Hey everyone :D
I'm apparently at my Aunt's house, celebrating my birthday and my little cousin's birthday (who deliciously, turned ONE!). Well, my birthday's not exactly today, it's my so-called Chinese birthday. The real one falls on the 1st of August, which, there's a really meaningful English workshop which, FORTUNATELY, coincides with my birthday. Really thankful for that :D Anyway, just had a piece of that fattening tempting chocolate ice-cream cake, and I feel good! Okay, anyway, met up with P2 at Bishan MRT today. Got down to Bugis to get the cheap beach bag from the Village. The place was brimmed up with people, seriously. They were also having this Youth Day Celebration thing. Stood around for awhile and watched the show. And then we went browsing through Topshop (they're having GREAT sales) but being the good girls we are, we didn't buy anything. But admired them in our little fitting rooms :D Will put up the retarded photos some other time.
Anyway, enough of today. Yesterday was waaay fun than today, right P2? The number of times we laughed were like, inumerous. Exactly sounded like a laughing soundtrack. I met up with P2 in Town after my Chinese LC (which was quite okay, I guess). Was planning to watch the $1.60 movie, Fantastic Four with out tiny coupons from The Straits Time. But because Singaporeans are the kiasee type, I already predicted that the tickets would be sold out by the time I reached there to buy the 4 o' clock show. So, instead, we roamed around town, which didn't really turned out that bad because it was probably the happiest day in the whole of July. Hurhur :D Well, first of, it was raining in town, so we decided to run from places to places to seek for shelter.

First Shelter
Esprit. Played around with the Red Earth products and all. Took crazy photos in front of the mirrors.

Second Shelter
Heeren. Walked around, laughing non-stop after our Long John's meal. I think that slang guy spiked our drinks. We undoubtedly hee-hawed from shops to shops like what crazy people would do. When we were about to leave Heeren, I spotted a few weird people in Star Wars costumes. The cute black robot and the scary mask with a bloody knife. Took pictures for P2 with her malfunctioned camera, which still turned out well.

Last Stop
Tangs. There was a Stila make-up collection for the PussyCat Dolls. So the deejay was promoting the stuffs and all. There was one part where they needed 3 volunteers, preferably females to go up and win a $100 worth of Stila products. P2 went up instead and they were asked to do those salty dance moves by The PussyCat Dolls, gosh, it was really embarassing though. But nonetheless, P2 walked away with it. Absolutely happy with what it man! And then we decided to walk into Tangs to check out the rest of the products and guess who we saw! Grace Chua and Carrie Chong. Tore out like 2 pages of the handbook for their autographs. They were really friendly and all.

Going Home..
And then, it was time to go home. Still laughing from Tangs to the bus stop behind Cineleisure. Super funny, no doubt, we enjoyed ourselves so much, right P2? Hurhur :D

Alrighty, shan't bore you guys about my boring life :D
Out!

2005-07-14T21:55:00.000+08:00

You Got Me Like An Addict

Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.

That's what I read just moments ago. Could it be destiny for me to actually chance upon such marvelous words? But it definitely goes against my no-love rule. I am simply trying to live my life as normal and as stress-free as possible and a boyfriend isn't really a good choice. I think I'll settle for the no-strings kind of thing. Open relationships are a no-no for me because I'm a die-hard jealous freak, so I'll just enjoy myself crushing here and there. Although there will always be that one person who'll be a permanent resident in my heart. As for the temporary madness kind of persons - there's an awful lot of tanned boys out there to drool from anyway. (Piggy 2, promise to go scouting! Haha :D)
Somehow, when someone gave me his confession that he used to like me, my reply was simply hahaha! I am such a pathetic loser, i know. I don't even know how to handle such circumstances. But forgive my ignorance as I am not fond of dealing with the opposite sex so screw me if I lack knowledge of knowing how or what to react on such situations. Thankfully, nothing's damaged.
End of case. Apparently, I realised I have a knack for guys who have skin tones that are darker than mine (Who doesn't?), and hair like Adam Brody, and eyes like Trent Ford and the award-winning smile of Jesse Bradford. OH, when will such a rare organism just appear right in front of my eyes! :D -wink
I think I should just knock my head against the wall and stop dreaming. Right? Okay, BYE.

2005-07-11T19:17:00.000+08:00

I know I just entered an uber long entry before this (view it in my archives under July) but I just can't get over this song.

Phoenix- Love For Granted

These days are gone
Loud enough to hold on
I think about the time we wasted
I think about the years to come
It's getting late and I can't call
It's getting late to face it all
I think about the time we wasted
My loneliness has slowly grown
I told you not to cross the line
And leave me with your love for granted
The letters from your broken heart
I think I might have lost them somewhere
Don't tell me 'bout your lies
Don't tell me 'bout your secrets
My love is easy
You are everything I need
Now your love is gone
I want it safe & guaranteed
Life is such a fine line
Looking at the bright line
I think about the time we wasted
For someday I'll be coming too
Tonight is dying on its own
And now I got your love for granted
It doesn't matter right or wrong
As long as you are hiding somewhere
Don't tell me 'bout your lies
Don't tell me 'bout your secrets
Even though we've said it all
I would never let us fall with you
Hang on to a little chance, you bet I'm in
If it is for better
I would never miss the call, it's true
Hang on to a little chance, you bet I'm in

Rachel Yamagata's Worn Me Down is awesome too! :D
I love The Cat Empire as well! Hur.

2005-07-11T19:00:00.000+08:00

Love Is No Big Truth

Hello everyone. I'm reading my Virgin Suicides book now, cos I didn't understand the movie fully. I know I should be studying for the SS test now, but I guess I'll do it later. Hurr. Anyway, I'm probably going to be busy-ing myself with stuffs the next couple of days with going to school, my books and some of the people and the people's peoples. I don't even talk to many people on most days :) I still don't really like going to school. School isn't exactly bad. I know I just can't wait around for exciting things to happen in my life so that I can look forward to going to school everyday, after school, everyday. You know, that kind of thing. My routines have become more and more spastic as each day passes. But sometimes, inside, I wish better things happen around in school. Maybe to some people, better things are happening to them already. Some of them have a bunch of friends to do stuff with after school, which makes what they do after school interesting for them already. For some, they probably have their favorite CCAs after school. While some people just choose not to waste their time and would rather bother themselves with working hard and getting their ideal 4.18 GPA and getting a good enough grade O levels. And that's not a bad thing either, if that makes you satisfied, you know?
School doesn't satisfy me. But going to school with people I like satisfies me enough to make me happy. I know it's not enough though, going to school just to be interested in being with a friend and never making any effort to be more to others in school. I must say i'm waiting for this year to fly past quickly so I could move on for new things. But i've been with 25+ people in my class for about two years now, I haven't spoke to them much as compared to the closer people. Maybe ever since school started and holidays ended, I've been putting alot into trying to steer my satisfaction in the right direction. I don't really know what that means but I just know being satisfied in going to school and then getting out of school feeling not happy, but not sad isn't the way my days should be. Oh well, saying all these does no good either, I somehow know what when I go to school, I become a normal schoolgirl and it seems like coping with my studies and being a good enough friend is all I'm supposed to be cut out for.
Anyway, usually what I do after school, I'll go home and be busy with my usual things. I'm not very accountable to anyone about the things I do everyday. There is a friend though, whom I am mostly accountable to, but I don't really see alot because I can't, and I really miss. Missing someone isn't bad at all- it makes you realise how important your friend is to you, even though you don't always let on that there is someone you miss. You don't always have to show that you miss someone anyway because it changes your heart and the way you'll treat that person in your heart! :D That kind of treating doesn't tire out.

I just hope everyone who struggles with satisfaction finds the right place.
Till another day, bye!

2005-07-08T15:12:00.000+08:00

Sex & Jesus

(Disclaimer: This post might be a little too vulgar and blasphemous to some, but this would only provoke these people to read on, so read on. Never mind this disclaimer. Thank you.)

Why is it, when people have sex, they say "Oh Jesus" or "Jesus, that's good".
What the heck did Jesus do? Jesus isn't down there doing god-knows-what to your genitals. He's not in the room and, if he respects your privacy, he's probably not even watching from his place somewhere. I know they say all things are possible with God, but I think that excludes tossing salads and hotdogs. Okay, haha, hotdogs, that was quite random. Anyway, someone had to be the first person to say Jesus' name during sex, right? Can you imagine how awkward that must've been for the other person?

Her: Yes yes yes, oh...oh, yes...Jesus!
Him: Uhm, did you just call me Jesus?
Her: No, I just said Jesus.
Him: Ok. Are you going to do that a lot, because that's kinda creepy.
Her: Creepy?
Him: Yeah. When we're doing it, that last mental picture I want is of someone nailed to a wood and bleeding all over.

(Then, they start again.)
Her: Oh yes! Oh yes! Yes yes yes...Michael Jackson!
Him: That's not much better.
Her: Sorry.

Flaccid again. Limp limp limp.

Haha, i don't know but RA rated films like Cabin Fever goes that way. Anyway, those aren't my point for today's entry. I'M BACK AGAIN! :D
I'm in the dad's office, waiting for him to send me to some clinic far far away.. Selegie Road I guess? Weird, I know. Was actually hoping I could go to school today cos I reckon my nose would be running (as usual) so I decided to throw in like four packets of tissue paper into my school bag the night before. RING, goes my alarm (but I couldn't hear it ring, my mom woke me up. Heh.) and I woke up.
Nothing happens.
Walked to the toilet. Did my business. Brushed my teeth. Looked into the mirror.
Nothing happens.
Got into the shower. Showering. Showering. Drying myself.
And there it was.
Red spots were noticed on the wet floor. I thought, you know, maybe it was the monthly thing? But I realised, no, it wasn't. I wiped my face and TADA. Blood from my nose.
And of all the darn days, why must my nose bleed on a happy Friday morning when I'm about to go to school, super duperly prepared for the Geog test?! I realized this is how my body works when it gets sick. The following day, which I will miss school, I will DEFINITELY miss Geography or Math tests. Such conincidences huh. Oh yes, I totally screwed up yesterday's Transformation test. I don't know why but I just can't get the facts into my head! >:(

OH! And did I tell you 'Music In Motion' rocked last Tuesday night? Yes, it did! :D
Okay I gotta go now.
Just realised the way my Dad speaks French in the French accent with his customers on the phone is simply horrible! Like some chao ah beng trying to speak English, get what I mean? Hahas. Take care you guys.

2005-07-03T15:17:00.000+08:00

Mr. Sunshine Is Too Bunsen

Was blog-hopping and came across this: http://www.1976design.com/blog/archive/2004/05/02/being-single/

Anyways, Prasetha's ball was like 2 days ago and I rung her up and asked her how'd it went. According to her husky yet hair-raising voice, I guess it was super awesome. She told me how much she spent on her super expensive costume, make-up, accesories, hair and everything which came up to $1000+. It's like, THE BALL! Can't wait for the arrival of her photos.

I think I'm falling sick =Flu's starting and the heatiness is back, I guess. And despite all that, I just had a piece of Amos Chocolate Chip Cookie :D Can't help it, sorry. I'm tired, oh well, and feeling kinda ripped. I just found out that impossible matters do happen, once in a blue moon. I don't wanna elaborate because I'm made like that. Jaclyn's going back today and I'm sad because I just wished Prasetha's house was just across the street so I could hang out with her or go crazy at Carousel. Okay, I don't see any link between those two, but whatever. I don't really care now.

I wish people would actually think before they made a decision, before they acted. If one doesn't like someone, one should question the reason. Don't just act on it. One may realize that one was wrong in the end. If one thinks that someone is immature, one should think about it. Perhaps even look at it from a different view. If one doesn't like something because of an incident in the past, one should look at it in the new context of the present. Not just acting on what has been told, or what one has felt for so long.
God, people piss me off.

2005-07-01T22:22:00.000+08:00

The Relationship Between 50% Mango Sales & Transexuals

WELL!
Hung out with Piggies 2 and 4 today at Orchard. Sharlene was suppose to get heaps of stuff from the 50% Mango sale but didn't in the end. Mango was bombarded with Thailand transexuals. Jade was totally freaked out by the sight of them, and she even cried! Poor piggy. And plus the stench of their strong, similar perfumes made us super morosed. Enough of them, the thought of their silicon breasts and big feet after every skinny long legs makes me feel disgusted. And of course, went home to wash off the eau de transexuals.

Today's Youth Day celebration was superb! Funny as hell. Okai, I'm tired now. Gonna catch some sleep.

P.S. Go to google.com and search 'Salad Fingers', enjoy the Canadian nonsense!

2005-06-30T20:07:00.000+08:00

Dead Birdies With No Head

Trust me, Perth has many dying birds along the road. It's either that they are blind, or they are diseased. I saw a dying baby bird on the road in Perth when I was crossing the road while walking to the park. I have seen dead baby birds before, but seeing something that is on the way to that state is higher on the scale of ghastly. It was some bird I haven't seen before, still naked and featherless in certain patches. It was comically yellow and oversized. It lied askew, stilled, tumbled over onto one side like some sad tiny wind-up toy. Periodically, it ran all around, beak open and striking at the ground, its eyes opened. My friend said it must be diseased, it was so small. I wondered if this was tragic or not quite, since pedestrians didn't stop. I tried to feed it an ant and it could not eat it, I tried to give it water and it didn't want to drink, and in the huge tree overhead was an endless birdsong. But my friend still said I was being a sadist cause' I take pictures of dead birds. What?

2005-06-30T19:28:00.000+08:00

Pillows & Records

Aloha Earthlings!
What I've been doing the whole day today, hm. Let's see, uh, school, and then went to have Prata with my mom and then home. Started slacking for awhile before I finished up the F&N notes and prepare for the Geog test. Youth day celebration tomorrow! Wonder what's coming up other than dances and stuff. Anyway, latest bite- I'm hooked up on Bring It On. Totally awesome, that movie. The cheers and everything else. Bet Jaclyn gets to be the girl in the air all the time, she's super light! Hur. Remember when we were shopping for my skirt at Zara, the clothes in the teenage section were all too big for her, even 'S'! So we walked over to the kids' section and she could like, fit into one of the denim skirts! Aussie girl, going back to Brisbane on Sunday.
Which, reminded me of Prasetha, who turned sweet 17 yesterday! :D
Of course, being the most wonderful friend ever, I called her and had a little chat. As usual, she was the one who kept entertaining me with stuffs that happened at school Everyday's a show for her! Fun life to keep up with, you'll never know what would happen. And her Ball's like one day later I guess? Heaps more fun! Just don't understand why Singapore doesn't adopt such a system rather than loathsome STUDY STUDY systems. At least a thing like that once in a while wouldn't make our lives that rotten. Just 3 more months and I'm out of school. Seriously, can't wait for 'O's to be over, but who doesn't abhor the weighty and tedious revisions and hard work we have to go through before reaching the foot of that huge mountain. Super duper aggravating! Oh well, who am I to complain, I guess many people out there are much worst off than me.
Okay, I think I'll have to go now. Still heaps more stuff to suck out from the Geog textbook. Till then! Take care folks.

2005-06-28T17:07:00.000+08:00

The real eyecandy :P

2005-06-27T21:53:00.000+08:00

When she jumped off the window, she probably think she's flying !

It's the first day of school! Nothing extraordinary thing happened. Same old prosaic day, except for the new Homeroom System we're apparently following. It may sound kinda "Wow! What's that? Sounds cool." But NO. It isn't. It's super troublesome. Okay, maybe it's just that I'm lazy to walk from classrooms to classrooms. Oh well, anyway, it's plainly just Accounts (MAN) and English the whole day today. Wasn't that bad, but I just don't know why I keep yawning today. I wasn't tired, but my brain just keeps asking for more oxygen! Hm, anyway, after school today, I met Shuyan and Jaclyn for lunch at J8. Had lunch at Mos Burger and was laughing while I was having fish burger.
It was nice sitting together, the three of us, talking about all the naive and retarded things we did during our days in RG. Was super crazy man. Like, how we would race to Uncle's bus and put our bags at the last row because it was booked as 'The Senior's Place" and no one else was allowed to sit there. Like how we would sit up facing the back window and wave at strangers in cars. Like how we would sit facing each other on the long bench in the bus, telling funny jokes, and funny things that made us feel HIGH, and how Shuyan would burst out laughing with Coke in her mouth and that she would suddenly spurt out on Lim Wwei's uniform. And how we would feel awkward the way Uncle call us by weird 'not-pronounced-properly' names. Talking about how we saw old friends at conventions and along streets of Town. Funny warm afternoon! :D

Then after lunch, we decided to bring Jaclyn around the new and foreign J8 to her. After being in Aussieland for like 4 years or so. Upon stopping by the cinema, looking at the flashing TV above the counters, we decided to catch Madagascar. Haha, I know, we are so late right. But anyway, it was cool! I love the Giraffe! :D Oh, and by the way, if you want to see my full entries (because I don't know how many entries I post in a day, hee), go to my archives and click June 2005 and so on and so forth. Okai, I gotta go now! Be back later? I guess :D

2005-06-26T22:32:00.000+08:00

Obligatory

This is for my bestest bestest mate in the blogging world! Hee.

Okay, as you people can see, a new template just arrived! :D With loads of help from Sinne! Yes, which is sort of obvious as well. My mother is overwhelmed with the long hours I spend on coming online because of the confusing HTML that I had to overcome. But of course, I did spend my June holidays sort of wisely. To sum up my June holidays? (I will NEVER be an accountant my whole life.) Doing Accounts, as in starting from scratch is a torture. I don't understand why I cannot understand Accounts. Not that kind of material huh. Anyway, other than studying, Jade has influenced me to go shopping. HEAPS. And she made me bust my bank account! And now, I have to feed my bank back $500+! Yes, and together with the fact that my wallet's gone anorexic, I'll have to starve myself for the next couple of days already. It's school tomorrow! The beginning of a new freaking term. 'O's are approaching, and so are the small little things like Oral and the MT results. I'm really feeling a tinge of sadness already. I don't know if anyone considers that a sickness. Sadness? Something you catch and must get through? It's like a thin film that covers everything with a tint of blue. In my room, sitting at my blue desk (which makes it more worse), I just close my eyes and imagine about crawling back into bed and throwing the covers over my head and just forget everything. Everything takes too much effort. Thinking. Conversing. I just feel like retreating so that I could be a loner for 2 or 4 days, even what I know is not going to work. The worst part, I don't even exactly know why I'm feeling sad. Perhaps I do, but without solutions. Oh well, guess I'll just have to force myself to believe that I've no idea what's going on. Then I would be able to move on and think of tomorrow. I'll see my friends! :D

It's still disappointing, however. Remarkably, I don't feel any better even after blogging. After all, it's just a chunk of ramblings, not solutions.

Just think, who would wanna relive the same day twice?

2005-06-26T22:23:00.000+08:00

BUTCHEREDHEART

Ugh. That's the only thing that ever comes to my mind. We're like a dying breed. A life spent balancing on other people. What I need right now: Spiked latte and a good friend.

I realized tonight, sitting alone, doing nothing imparticular except re-reading through old things I had mostly forgotten about feeling- and I'm not sure why but I feel like crying now. It probably doesn't make sense huh, God knows I can't find any sense in it. I wasn't happy then and I'm not sad for that. My sadness seemed so much more tensed then. It made sense; it was straightforward & easy to extract words from. It made sense, in a bad way. In some way.

I think I'm just remembering too many things.

The last time I saw the stars which were like 10 times as close to me- I swear it was fantastic. I felt like I was on the other side of the world, and I was like lying on a pier on the NorthSea. The wind was cold. I don't think I was slightly intoxicated because I remember Prasetha was beside me! On top of that green green hill, beside the pool, in the garden. It was cold and windy and I felt like life was happening to me. There wasn't a moon, but stars.

Okay, back to reality.

2005-06-25T22:15:00.000+08:00

Whippersnappers

I'm unsure of how I am. People ask me and I rarely know they say, "how are you?" and I feel dumbstruck. They expect to hear an adjective, like I'm good, I'm fine, I'm okay. I guess I'll embody it with an adjective next time to single out one would be careless and inaccurate. Sometimes the situation is simple. If I'm mad, the answer to "how are you" is mad. If I'm sullen, I'll tell them sullen. The question is easy to answer when my mood is predominant in that way, but most of the times i feel nondescript. Just an inert body with five senses experiencing. Sometime's I'm nothing more than simply here. That's how I always am. Here..So I guess the easiest way out when somebody asks you how your day's been, just grin wildly, baring all of your teeth, open your eyes wide like a madman, and then flare your nostrils rhythmically. While they're backing away from you awkwardly with their hands up in front of them, I'm sure they'll have figured out that your day's been just peachy keen (:

2005-05-31T20:23:00.000+08:00

2005-05-11T20:32:00.000+08:00

Eat Dust

i don't know if there's really God.
i think God's still doing some things in my heart. but i'm not being very responsive. in some cases, i feel like fighting it, because i'm just too comfortable being horribly depressed. it's all i really know. i've definitely had good times, and i spent part of my evenings truly happy. but, it's still awkward to me. it feels weird to be happy and not have something bugging you when you've been like i was for so long. it'll be something i'll really love when the awkwardness goes away. in the meantime, i'm fighting God. he's fighting pretty strong. so i guess i'll just move on and leave the past behind. this is stupid.i swear my hormones are making me mad. i'm so depressed i might have to eat my own bodyweight in butter, so i'll explode in a fatty bloody mess. that would really piss off anybody who's near.

gah.

2005-02-19T22:50:00.000+08:00

I came across this crazy thing today, neurocam. No one knows who it is that runs it, but people all over are running these crazy tasks and such. It's amazing. I really wish something like that would happen here, it seems like a few people are getting sucked into it in Manhattan. I signed up, we'll see what happens.

2004-12-31T22:48:00.000+08:00

CURRENT STATUS:

I think right now, my life is as sweet as I have food in my tummy.
I have a bed to sleep in.
Pillows as well.
Food to binge tonight in front of the TV.
I have people to care about it.
And certain people I care about that little bit more.
And never be like that.

2004-12-28T23:43:00.000+08:00

A belated merry christmas and happy holidays to those who made santa's "good" list. The rest of you can just sit there and appreciate your lumps of coal. I would go into a seriation of what I got for ex to the em-ass (that translates to "x-mas", for those of you who are not jay-z or snoop dogg), but I think it suffice to say that I am happy with the limited amount of items I received. Let's just say that I can now browse the internet in the comfort of my own bedroom and that i can finally tell time by a means other than constantly having to ask the person standing next to me. Actually I already can browse the internet in my own bedroom, oh well, nevermind!

I just realised something though.

People who think aloud are the worst conversationalists ever. The way I see it is, unless we are having mad hot phone sex, then I do not need a detailed commentary of your current action. I am not a wang. I can already see you doing it. People who make trivial statements are just as bad. They make it so difficult to construct a decent response when the most riveting conversation they can deliver is shit like, "This shirt I'm wearing is tight." and "That dog has a fluffy tail." Good for you, is what I say. Good for you. But honestly, please learn a new a skill because you've mastered Pointing Stupid Shit Out and now you're just showing off.

I told myself I wouldn't make my next entry so heavy.
This is my next entry.
And it's not that heavy.

2004-11-20T09:13:00.000+08:00

Nothing Bugged About It.

This morning I saw a bug lying on it's back with it's legs quavering about like it was doing Macarena. I flipped him over and watched in pathetic awe as he waddled away to the burrows of Middle Earth. I realised that sometimes in life, we are like my bug friend, lying on our back, remaining stagnant, and doing the Macarena. In situations such as this, all we really need to do is to get back up on our feet and waddle away to the burrows of our life. You know, maybe, it really is a bug's life. Haha.

2004-11-19T00:40:00.000+08:00

Hmm, you know what's nice?
Nice is falling asleep and curling up in your bed under blankets even though it's hot summer. Afternoons in the dark with the blinds and the door closed and with one leg out under the blanket and the only sounds you can hear is the music you like playing in the background and the soft whirring of your electric fan after the morning of eating soft pancakes and knowing that you can do it all over again tomorrow because you're having your school holidays already! Now, that's nice. Although I wouldn't mind turning over and accidentally hitting somebody in the face with my arm(:

2004-11-06T21:40:00.000+08:00

My Liver Is Still On Offer.

"The universe is shaped like a rhombus. It's completely slanted and fucked up, but there are always opposite angles that balance each other out and opposite sides that exhibit qualities of parallelism." Well you know, parallel, on the surface, sounds nice. It means two beautiful identical straight lines running together, next to each other, perpetually synchronized in perfect unison. But, you know, parallel lines never meet. I sometimes think our life, is more of a flawless perpendicular axes on a graph, sliding away from each other but always having an intersection. Just that blatant point at the center, where we can always easily slide back to each other.

2004-10-30T23:11:00.000+08:00

"God must have known how much I love you. yet He won't let me have you. For He knows that in having you I could lose you. And in not having you, I could love you forever."

These words are my favorite for they explicitly manifest what love is like.

2004-10-10T10:02:00.000+08:00

My Epidermis Is Suffering From Nicotine.

At one point in my life, I believed I was like a jester in my pursuit of making other people happy. I didn't really care how I was doing, the knowledge that my friends were well was enough to get me through the day. But nowadays, I think I've become more selfish. There seems to be a diffuse feeling of non-satisfaction. hmmm, have I become more cynical? I expect nothing from others. I still believe that my happiness can only be a result of my own actions. YET it still fills me with a feeling of elation to know that I have been able to help someone else. Perhaps I'm hoping that the favour may be returned to me someday. realistic would be a better word. However, the thought that the people I care about are happy is still enough to satiate. I'll take that as a good thing. Fwah, forget about me.

2004-08-10T11:36:00.000+08:00

Blue skies and tears for the past:

Was crying yesterday. Okay, so maybe not crying as crying, for I think that includes bawling and wailing and all those sentimental crap I keep on running away from. Tears that I never even knew that were falling. I just felt everything was wrong. And for the very very first time, it's friends that are making me feel so bad. This is like, the first time in my whole life that I'm crying over such small matters. How bad can it get? Yah, it's right. Everything seems wrong. Your past haunts you. You look back and you feel somewhat bittersweet that it's over. Though half of you actually feel triumphant that you're way out of that self destructive path you were in before. Still, another part longs to go back. Why? Because you felt free in that situation. You were happier than that you are now. But you also feel less hurt now than then. Yes, much less vulnerable and hurt now.Is it so difficult to have someone by your side and just smile to say that everything would be fine? I just hope that everything would just fall into place. Then start to force the idea into my head that everything happens for a reason. We keep on forcing the things we want to happen, what we firmly believe it's the best for us. But how do we know what's best for us? Is it because that's what everyone wants? Is it because it makes us happy? What makes us think that whatever it is that makes us smile now, would not leave us shattered and crying in the end?Hmm. I pretend. Pretend that everything's okay. I go on with my routine then i try to do the things that cheer me up. I don't fight the feeling. I acknowledge it's being there. I just embrace the emotion. I'll try to accept it, but I try not to forget. I remember it for all the happiness that it brought. I'd cry, I'd write about it. But I try not to talk too much about it.

Just like now.

2004-07-05T18:31:00.000+08:00

Boredom. Will. Soon. Kill. Me.

Allow me to elaborate ladies and gentlemen.
Boredom is basically, doing nothing. Nothing in the physical sense, though. But mentally, I am hyperactive up here -points to head-
Where a million brain cells go overtime. Boredom leads to the recollection of my life. How stupid I've become to actually throw each opportunity away. I am faced with the reality that my life isn't as perfect as people see it because for a while there I almost believed them. Then, I think about it and I feel as if I don't give effort and love as much as - does. What I do, however, is I bang my head on the wall.
This is where boredom leads to the contact of flesh and concrete at 60mph. This is where I almost kill myself.

BAM!

That's for asking myself, "do I really love -?"

BAM!

That's for even asking myself the previous question.

BAM!

That's for being in doubt when I really shouldn't be.

BAM!

That's for getting myself in a committment I'm not even sure I can commit to.

BAM!

That's for saying "yes" when it really means "are you sure?"

BAM!

That's for putting up an act.

BAM!

That's for wanting to back out.

BAM!

That's for being a sissy.

BAM!

That's for being ingrateful and mean and evil.

BAM!

That's for even wanting to stay when it could definitely hurt.

BAM!

That's for being inconsiderate and selfish.

BAM!

That's for a lot of questions I have that - doesn't even have.

BAM!

That's for being undeserving.

BAM!

That's for all the hurts I might inflict upon - but to which I may not be aware of.

And as the flesh on my forehead become swollen and red and would later be all sorts of colors as green and purple, I know that physical pain isn't going to amount to any of the emotional pain I would definitely cause. But I am trying my best not to make this phenomenon come to life.

2004-06-04T10:12:00.000+08:00

Hahaha!
I need to start seeing a therapist. I have this very antagonistic outlook of getting involved on someone too much. I become very defensive when matters like this come up. I have been down that road before and if I find myself lost in that familiar street I might get myself all in broken pieces. Sometimes I marvel at how I could pick myself up again. But definitely, I have some of my pieces left lying somewhere, hoping someone would find it and complete me. Okay... so that was cheesy.
But what the heck! I don't care really. I hate myself for falling so easily and trusting my feelings at once. I need to use my mind more often so I spare myself the pain. But I always thought I go first for logic than reason. Well, it just seems more logical. But it has it's downs in having this mindset. That is, they don't usually work for every individual. So, I'm back to square one when it comes to figuring out my mate.
Maybe that's why I despise love in that aspect because it has too much mystery in it that I just cant figure out. You know how I dislike not knowing because it makes the risk---riskier. And too much of that makes me nervous.So i'll ask myself: love or no love?

Neither. Both bring extreme joy or sadness to me.
My prescription: Take mild dosages at a time.

And if possible, STAY AWAY FROM JERKS.
They cause acute headaches and severe heart trauma.

2004-05-19T17:53:00.000+08:00

I encountered an advertisement yesterday. It said:

RECLAIM VIRGINITY
Get it BACK NOW!

Is that actually possible? I mean, scientifically, emotionally, sociologically and psychologically speaking? Is there such a thing as paying a couple thousands of money to make sure you can still claim yourself as pure? I mean, if it is true then every person can go fuck each other without any bearing on their soul. Aaah...the power of advertising. But then again, this raises social and religious issues. It is, however, an impossibility to make yourself a virgin after you've done the deed. I guess the thing here is learning to accept the fact that sex is a sacred thing and that if you believe your partner means a lot to you, then he/she is worth waiting for.
I just thought of a new advertisement that can counter-act that previous one:
Earn a slot in HELL.
Learn to do pre-marital sex.
Sign up now, pay LATER (in the after-life).
Haha.